RON HART: My colonoscopy

Published: Thursday, December 12, 2013 at 04:59 PM.

Like Obama, I got my colonoscopy when I turned 50. Unlike Obama’s results, my doctor did not find reporters from the New York Times, CBS, ABC and NBC up there.

The President got his done as a “virtual colonoscopy” at Walter Reed Hospital, where they simulated a full colon exam without actually doing one. It was the same way the media simulated examining The Affordable Care Act when it passed in 2010.

“Proctologist” is a word a man never likes to hear, along with a few others like “testicular,” “ingrown,” “listen,” “ask for directions,” and “let’s cuddle.” But a colonoscopy was something I knew I had to do, and you should, too.

My procedure went well, but now I know how those sock puppets in the media feel. For MSNBC’s Chris Matthews’ sake, I hope Jay Carney has small hands.

I don’t listen to instructions well, so I really didn’t know what to expect. I felt like it would be best to treat it like French marriage: asking a lot of questions might take the fun out of it.

First, you have to stop eating the day before and drink a particularly obnoxious concoction called “MoviPrep.”

This stuff tastes like tinsel from your Christmas tree ground up into creek water coming from near a phosphate plant. I think you have to drink it so you cannot take a plane out of town; you would not get through a TSA metal detector.

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