The column every columnist writes once

It can be hard writing this column. The hard part isn't so much the actual writing, but the act of deciding what to actually write about. I used to spend maybe 20, 30 minutes top writing this column during last summer, but back then, I had a week to ponder what I was going to write about.
Now, during the throes of school, with finals and Advanced Placement tests looming, I haven't much time to casually pick a topic each week. Recently, I've even found myself asking complete strangers at the grocery store what to write about. Unfortunately, the one-way conversations never seem to go anywhere:
"Excuse me sir, but you look like you're rather well informed with current events. I write a column for the local newspaper - yes, I am the one who wears the sunglasses. I'm glad you read it. What? No, it's actually called Young Wisdom, not Young Rants - no, I am not a turtle killer!"
Obviously, I have to be careful about whom to ask, otherwise the conversation will go for a jog around the block to never return. Eventually, I'll end up starting with a blank computer screen on a Sunday evening after finishing up homework and my midday radio program. I'll still have no idea what to write about, even though I'm addicted to cnn.com and newyorktimes.com, but those sources for potential news item are useless because by the time my column is published a week later, the piece of news will be long gone, forgotten by most pundits and observers alike.
In a 24/7 news world, the possibilities for punditry are endless, but local issues, covered by local media such as The Sun, are slightly more limited. For instance, I could write a column posing the question why so many people are concerned about the local Sheriff's race; it isn't like there's a momentous national Presidential election going on right now. But then, I could somehow tick off the next Sheriff, and I would rather be on his good side as compared to his bad side. Perhaps I answered my own question.
I could always write about a recent New York Times story which claims the U.S. incarcerates the greatest percentage of its own people than any other country, a statistic not helped by repeat drug offenders, but that's too much doom and gloom. Besides, it's a beautiful weekend!
Perhaps I could write about how our language has been corroded by profanity. I could retell a harrowing experience I had recently when a middle school girl, with glitter on her cheeks and pink scrunchies holding up her cute pigtails, kicked in a soda vending machine when it took her money, yelling out a too-often-used expletive, as if the last word was the one she deemed inappropriate enough to abbreviate with one letter. Still, it would be a real literary act to finagle 600, maybe even 800 words out of that one experience. 
Once a topic is chosen, I then set out on the task of actually writing the column. Usually, I'll just start typing whatever first comes in my head, inserting slashes for unfinished thoughts. When this first draft is done, I'll go back and look for spots that are lacking in humor or insight. I'll add in parentheses after one paragraph a comment such as "insert witty remark here," or "make a reference to the vice president shooting a lawyer with bird pellets."
Finally, when the final draft is ready to be written, or more precisely put, added to, I do what teenagers do best: procrastinate. A retreat to the kitchen to serve up a glass of orange juice and a green apple is never too far, nor is the television. After an hour digression, I'll usually return to the always pulsating computer screen and finish the column off.
Again, the hardest part of writing this column is choosing a topic each week. And despite my best efforts, even when I have the luxury of time to write, I'll usually mess up along the line. If an improper subject-verb agreement or a misspelling will cause any harm to anybody, I sincerely apologize in advance.
So far, I've written about many topics columnists in this day and age are supposed to write about - the war, guns, the media, the presidential race and so on - but the one column I have not had a chance to write, is the column that any columnist, young or old, will always write at least once: the clever column on writing a column.


Matthew Christ is a senior at South Walton High School and a resident of Santa Rosa Beach. You can contact him at matt.waltonsun@gmail.com. You can also hear the "Matt Christ Live Show" on 107.1 FM 30A Radio on Sundays, 11 a.m. to noon and online at 30aradio.org.