A sign in a restaurant window — Eat Now, Pay Waiter.
At a golf course country club — Putt an end to your troubles.
Vegetable stand — Eat our corn on the cob and smile from ear to ear.
Saw this one on a real estate agent's car — Site Seeing Bus.
Undertakers' window — We arrange everything but the date.
Obstetrician's office — Pay as you Grow.
Can I sign you up for a few groans?
On a church bulletin board — Work for the Lord. The pay is not much, but the retirement plan is out of this world.
On a basketball coach's office — This office is closed, but if you can see over the transom, come on in.
A pagers' company sign — We're at your beep and call.
Rope Incorporated ad — Knot your ordinary company.
Honey farm claim — Our grade of honey is rated bee-plus.
Picture frame company sign — We want to hang around your house.
A glue company ad — Our customers always stick with us.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window — "Out to lunch!" think it over.
Antique shop — Come on in and buy what your grandmother threw out.
On the back of a florist truck — Caution, we make fragrant stops.
Music shop sign — Gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet.
Pawn shop sign — See us at your earliest inconvenience.
Travel agency window — Please go away.
Tire shop ad — We skid you not.
Hospital maternity ward door — Push, Push, Push.
Barbershop — We stand behind our work.
Dairy company truck — You can whip our cream but you can't beat our milk.
Funeral parlor — Satisfaction or your mummy back.
A sign on an electrical truck — Let us remove your shorts.
Taxidermist sign — We really know our stuff.
Used car lot — Second hand cars in first crashed condition.
Muffler shop — No appointment needed. We can hear you coming.
Diner window — Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Veterinarians office — Be back in five minutes. Sit, stay.
Kosher restaurant — Lox, Stock & Bagel.
In a prosecutor's office — If at first you don't convict, try, try again.
The bodybuilding academy — The weak ends here.
Computer store — Out for a quick byte.
Maybe you have a few others. Let me hear from you.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.