What does one say to an impatient jockey? "Hold your horses."
I only lift weights on Saturdays and Sundays. The rest of the week are weak days.
When I play golf, I wear two pairs of pants in case I get a hole-in-one.
A disgruntled pickleball player said to her opponent, "If you want a soft serve, go to the Dairy Queen.“
I know a lot of jokes about pole vaulting, but none of them would go over well.
There are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's only a ballpark figure.
A disgruntled basketball coach noticed a cellphone out in the middle of the court after the game and went out and picked it up, read a message, took it over to the referee and said, "This must be yours. It says you missed 10 calls."
The best floor exercise gymnasts come from Palm Springs.
The Olympic skier won a third place medal and was so excited, he went out and got it bronzed.
Favorite holiday for hockey players is St. Hat Tricks Day.
My problem with my golf game is that I stand too close to the ball after I hit it.
I exercise religiously. Every Easter and every Christmas.
The police were called to the baseball game because somebody stole second base.
Why do they sing, “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” in the seventh inning and they are already at the game?
There are no baseball unions because the players don't like to be called out on strikes.
Do not strike the umpire because "The Umpire Strikes Back."
Is it true that baseball players wash their socks in the bleachers?
Baseball on foggy days is all about hit and mist.
Racecar drivers do not eat before the Indianapolis 500 'cause they would get Indy-gestion.
The favorite breakfast meal for the Indy 500 drivers is brake-fast.
There is a special car in this years Indy 500. This fella bragged that he could construct a special car out of spaghetti. People told him there was no way. But you should have seen the look on their faces when he drove pasta.
The reason ladies don't play football is because you could never get 11 ladies wearing the same outfit.
I like what Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic basketball team, said. "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As GM, I just can't figure out where else to play."
How about Bobby Valentine saying, "I'll never criticize my players in public and I'll never do it again."
Advice from the infamous Yogi Berra. "Never answer an anonymous letter."
If at first you do not succeed, then so much for skydiving.
Have another awesome week.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to email@example.com.