Here are favorite "foods" for various occupations.

Barbers eat hare and electricians eat currants.

A financier likes fortune cookies ... emcees like toast.

Philosophers eat sage, and jewelers prefer carrots.

Photographers favor cheese. Plumbers like leeks.

Retailers love turnovers. Nanny's like goat's milk.

Actors love ham and taxi drivers eat cabbage.

Taxidermists like stuffing while politicians actually prefer fudge.

You probably won't find these books at your local library.

"How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace

"The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

"The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

"Irish Angioplasty" by Angie O'Plasty

"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

"School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

"Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

When I was young, I wanted a BMW. Now that I am older, I don't need the "W." (Albert Dunn)

Urologists do not have to advertise. They just open shop and the patients trickle in.

To work at Starbucks, does one have to graduate Magna Cum Latte?

How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.

I fell asleep recently on the beach and burned my stomach. You should see my pot roast.

The train that pigs take to Florida is the HAM TRACK.

Best way to get rid of wrinkles ... take off your glasses.

The doc told me that I was in great shape for a 60 year old. Only problem with that, I'm 82.

Don't trust stairs, they are always up to something.

I know a lady who owns a taser. Boy, is she ever stunning.

High price condos can be uplifting or disappointing. Then again, a bungalow can also be a little flat.

Exercise for lazy folks is called diddly squats.

Cross holy water with prune juice and get a religious movement.

I tried on my old school uniform today and the only thing that fit was the tie.

The fella who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Have a pun-derful week.

Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to