Getting older, everything gets worse. Except for forgetfulness ... that gets better. (Albert)
I went to the doctor and asked him for something for "wind." He gave me a kite.
A man took his dog to the vet and requested cutting off its tail. "Why such a request," the doctor inquired? "Because, my mother-in-law is coming over for a visit tomorrow and I don't want anything in the house to make her feel welcome." The next day he could bring it to the re-tail store to get it replaced.
Erma Bombeck asked if any of us came from a family where gravy was considered a beverage.
My dentist was charged with "incisor" trading.
She always drives a Harley Davidson and wears a black jacket. We call her the leader of the plaque.
R. Benchley — "I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it."
If you see me walking along the Gulf Coast with my phone in hand, that is because I want to get call wading.
If you sue a urologist, what kind of trial will you receive? A jury of pee-ers.
You're getting old when you and your teeth don't sleep together.
Two Boston chefs are competing for the title of the "finest fish fryer." Their talents are about equal and their dishes equally excellent. At the last moment, one of the chefs glazed his entry and won the title, which goes to prove, that but for the "glaze of cod go I."
A man went to his doctor all battered and bruised and explained that he had gone to answer the door and when he opened it, there stood a six foot cockroach. He tried to shut the door but the roach managed to slug him and push him up against the wall, then kicked and punched him and left immediately. After listening to this problem, the doctor stated that this is the flu season and that he has been calling his patients telling them that a big bug is going around.
If my body were a car, I'd trade it in for a newer one because every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and the exhaust backfires.
The older we get, the more like computers we are. Both start off with lots of memory and drive then suddenly we're outdated, crash and unexpectedly have our parts replaced.
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat. The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.
Strange, I never get lost. Someone is always telling me where to go.
Did you know that 5 out of every 3 have trouble with fractions?
As the famous philosopher said, "I would like to make a pun, but I Kant."
If my feet fall asleep for a long time, are they coma-toes?
"Your ballpark is infested with worms," said a ball fan in Chicago. That's why they call it WIGGLY FIELD.
Nice thing about being old — you can tell your friends your secrets because they can't remember them either.
Patrick McAlpine is a self-described “edutainer” and a Canadian Snowbird from Kanata, Ontario, Canada. Submit your jokes or smiles to firstname.lastname@example.org.